Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Monday, February 11, 2013
"How children perceive their Grandparents"
How children perceive their Grandparents (authors unknown)
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck.."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
Sunday, December 02, 2012
An old prospector shuffled into the town of EIidio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... but... I've always wanted to."
There are two lessons for us all here:
Don't waste ammunition.
Don't mess with old people.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... but... I've always wanted to."
There are two lessons for us all here:
Don't waste ammunition.
Don't mess with old people.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
get your own dirt
author unknown
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
StandOnTheRock.org
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
StandOnTheRock.org
Monday, July 12, 2010
Shark Tales
IT director pilot fish is working for a staffing company, interviewing candidates for a Web developer position.
"During the interview, I ask many general questions trying to see how knowledgeable or how well an interviewee can carry on a conversation," says fish. "I typically will ask for three strengths and three weaknesses."
And when this job candidate's interview gets to that point, fish asks for three weaknesses. But the candidate says he can only come up with one.
Do you read? fish asks. "No," says candidate, "I watch a lot of TV."
Fish comments that he, personally, reads lots of books -- mostly biographies of people who have changed the course of history, such as Newton, Kepler, Churchill and Oppenheimer. One trait that all these people had is that they were introspective, he says. Now what about your salary requirements?
That's when fish notices the candidate is giving him a blank stare.
Is something wrong? fish asks.
"Yes," says candidate, "I don't know what 'introspective' means."
Groans fish, "No wonder he could only come up with one weakness. He was not offered the job."
IT director pilot fish is working for a staffing company, interviewing candidates for a Web developer position.
"During the interview, I ask many general questions trying to see how knowledgeable or how well an interviewee can carry on a conversation," says fish. "I typically will ask for three strengths and three weaknesses."
And when this job candidate's interview gets to that point, fish asks for three weaknesses. But the candidate says he can only come up with one.
Do you read? fish asks. "No," says candidate, "I watch a lot of TV."
Fish comments that he, personally, reads lots of books -- mostly biographies of people who have changed the course of history, such as Newton, Kepler, Churchill and Oppenheimer. One trait that all these people had is that they were introspective, he says. Now what about your salary requirements?
That's when fish notices the candidate is giving him a blank stare.
Is something wrong? fish asks.
"Yes," says candidate, "I don't know what 'introspective' means."
Groans fish, "No wonder he could only come up with one weakness. He was not offered the job."
Friday, July 09, 2010
wheeeeee
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire-fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire-fighter said with admiration.
"Thanks", the girl replied.
The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner", the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
The girl was wearing a fire-fighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire-fighter said with admiration.
"Thanks", the girl replied.
The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner", the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Sunday, July 04, 2010
Saturday, July 03, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Doctors
A Japanese doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we took the kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
A Chicago doctor, not to be outdone said, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."
A German doctor said, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
A Chicago doctor, not to be outdone said, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."
don't mess with old people
An old prospector shuffled into the town of EIidio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the
other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... but...I've always wanted to."
There are two lessons for us all here:
Don't waste ammunition.
Don't mess with old people.
other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... but...I've always wanted to."
There are two lessons for us all here:
Don't waste ammunition.
Don't mess with old people.
Friday, June 25, 2010
stand up
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
-- David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
-- David Letterman
--Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
-- David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
-- David Letterman
Saturday, June 19, 2010
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, Can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
Thursday, June 17, 2010
author unknown
I bought a bird feeder. I hung It on my back porch and filled It with seed. What a beauty of A bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a Week we had hundreds of birds Taking advantage of the Continuous flow of free and Easily accessible food.
But then the birds started Building nests in the boards Of the patio, above the table, And next to the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was Everywhere: on the patio tile, The chairs, the table .. Everywhere!
Then some of the birds Turned mean. They would Dive bomb me and try to Peck me even though I had Fed them out of my own Pocket.
And others birds were Boisterous and loud. They Sat on the feeder and Squawked and screamed at All hours of the day and night And demanded that I fill it When it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even Sit on my own back porch Anymore. So I took down the Bird feeder and in three days The birds were gone. I cleaned Up their mess and took down The many nests they had built All over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like It used to be .... Quiet, serene.... And no one demanding their Rights to a free meal.
Now let's see. Our government gives out Free food, subsidized housing, Free medical care and free Education, and allows anyone Born here to be an automatic Citizen.
Then the illegal's came by the Tens of thousands. Suddenly Our taxes went up to pay for Free services; small apartments Are housing 5 families; you Have to wait 6 hours to be seen By an emergency room doctor; Your child's second grade class is Behind other schools because Over half the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Flakes now come in a Bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank Talk to me in English, and People waving flags other Than 'Old Glory' are Squawking and screaming In the streets, demanding More rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government To take down the bird feeder.
If you agree, pass it on; if not, Just continue cleaning up the poop
I bought a bird feeder. I hung It on my back porch and filled It with seed. What a beauty of A bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a Week we had hundreds of birds Taking advantage of the Continuous flow of free and Easily accessible food.But then the birds started Building nests in the boards Of the patio, above the table, And next to the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was Everywhere: on the patio tile, The chairs, the table .. Everywhere!
Then some of the birds Turned mean. They would Dive bomb me and try to Peck me even though I had Fed them out of my own Pocket.
And others birds were Boisterous and loud. They Sat on the feeder and Squawked and screamed at All hours of the day and night And demanded that I fill it When it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even Sit on my own back porch Anymore. So I took down the Bird feeder and in three days The birds were gone. I cleaned Up their mess and took down The many nests they had built All over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like It used to be .... Quiet, serene.... And no one demanding their Rights to a free meal.
Now let's see. Our government gives out Free food, subsidized housing, Free medical care and free Education, and allows anyone Born here to be an automatic Citizen.
Then the illegal's came by the Tens of thousands. Suddenly Our taxes went up to pay for Free services; small apartments Are housing 5 families; you Have to wait 6 hours to be seen By an emergency room doctor; Your child's second grade class is Behind other schools because Over half the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Flakes now come in a Bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank Talk to me in English, and People waving flags other Than 'Old Glory' are Squawking and screaming In the streets, demanding More rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government To take down the bird feeder.
If you agree, pass it on; if not, Just continue cleaning up the poop
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Three New Navy Ships
USS REAGAN
Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective.... ENORMOUS!
When the Bridge pipes ' Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4..5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.
Capability
Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling
1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet
Size
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4..5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet
Capacity
1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3. 18,150 meals served daily
4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
USS BILL CLINTON
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC
The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.
This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.
An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada .
USS BARACK OBAMA
This ship will be used to ferry illegals across the Rio Grande to pick up their welfare checks as advance payments for their democratic votes.
Details are as vague as his past, his economic policies and his credentials to lead.
But don't you worry......he has a plan!
Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective.... ENORMOUS!
When the Bridge pipes ' Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4..5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.
Capability
Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling
1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet
Size
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4..5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet
Capacity
1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3. 18,150 meals served daily
4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
USS BILL CLINTON
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC
The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.
This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.
An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada .
USS BARACK OBAMA
This ship will be used to ferry illegals across the Rio Grande to pick up their welfare checks as advance payments for their democratic votes.
Details are as vague as his past, his economic policies and his credentials to lead.
But don't you worry......he has a plan!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Information about Gonorrhea Lectim
author unknown
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.
It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey, and apparently now Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.
Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.
It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey, and apparently now Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.
Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.
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